Sunday, June 9, 2013

Adding a Tucker-style twist to Stop, Drop and Roll

Not to play around too much with those three important lifesaving words, but I'd like to introduce my own spin on Stop, Drop and Roll. While it does have something to do with saving oneself, it's not exactly one for the textbooks.

Unless it's a veterinary textbook, or you're a dog, and it's hot.

Here's the twist, Tucker-style. Stop, Drop, Roll, and Plop.

In four easy steps, you can cool yourself off and give your walker a much-needed break. Let me explain.

Step #1. The Stop.
This step is non-negotiable. You don't hem and haw and step to one side or the other. You make up your mind to stop, preferably near some cool, dewy grass in the shade. I'm particular about the grass. It needs to be thick enough to hold up under my bulk, tall enough to hide plenty of dew, and if you care at all about your people, be situated within some shade so they won't become completely cranky. Plan well, and your stop will be successful.

Step #2. The Drop.
Demonstrating the Drop.
It is crucial that the drop IMMEDIATELY follow the Stop. Fall quickly and heavily to the cushioned ground. This may alarm your person, so try to smile while so doing. First-timers: skip the smile and concentrate on form. Pros: a sardonic grin might be appropriate.

Step #3. The Roll.
The Roll.
Savor this step. No need to rush. Be sure to cool your body in the dewy grass. No need to exert oneself too much: I take about three or four rolls at the most. Then, it's on to my personal variation:

Step #4. The Plop.
The Plop.
This Plop is distinguished from the Plop O'Doom in that, rather than indicating a refusal to move forward in any way, in any direction, or in any circumstance, placing one in complete opposition with one's person, it is a restful Plop. One will get up, eventually, when one is reasonably well cooled, and be on one's way. It's no less forceful than the Plop O'Doom, yet more gentle in aspect. One is close to nature, mellow and calm in the Step 4 Plop, as opposed to being annoyed. In addition, this Plop is taken lying down: a proper Plop O'Doom melds one's posterior to the ground, for as long as it takes your person to give in. My personal POD record: nearly an hour. A Step 4 Plop need not take more than 10 minutes.

Try it and let me know how it goes. I'm always available for consultation.