Friday, December 28, 2012

Be the best you can be: New Year's resolutions for the top dog

I'm starting early on Resolution #1.
Lost a bit of canine mojo over the last long twelve months? Here's how to restore it and become top dog once again. Believe me, I've tried this regimen, and it works.

1. Resolve to sleep as often as possible.
2. Resolve that, when not sleeping, you will pester humans to feed you.
3. Resolve that, when humans attempt to ignore pleas for more comestibles, you will outsmart them and steal their food.
4. Resolve that you will not walk in any kind of inclement weather.
5. Resolve that you will seek new places to walk each fair-weather day. (Implicit: you refuse to go over the same old, same old routes.)
6. Resolve that you will make attempts, even if half-hearted, to show affection to humans, lest they take away some of your beloved sleeping places.
7. Resolve to show proper gratitude for treats, such as beefy bones. However, do not compromise on lesser treats. Go for the good stuff.
8. Resolve that if there is no good stuff available, you will deign to consume these lesser-quality calories, after a proper mourning period of up to two seconds.
9. Resolve to find more canine playmates to keep up your social skills.
10. Resolve to enjoy each and every day. Nothing like a good, long, loud bay—or yip, depending on your capacity—to greet each morning.

Happy New Year!